I have a bit of an issue and I don’t know how to deal with it.
To make a long story short, my daughter has a friend, “A” (I won’t use her real name). Last summer my daughter slept over at “A’s” house almost every weekend. I had no problem with her being there. They didn’t do much and they didn’t get into mischief.
Since school started my daughter has not had a sleep over at “A’s” house. She’s been asked to sleep over several times but it seems like whenever she’s asked to sleep over our daughter is being grounded for either her attitude or grades. It has NOTHING to do with “A”. It is just our daughter had to be grounded and letting her sleep over at a friend’s house is not our idea of punishment. We want our daughter to learn that if she wants to do fun things like sleepovers and hanging out with her friends she can’t cop an attitude with us and she MUST bring home decent grades.
I monitor my daughter’s Facebook activity.Some people might argue that I’m wrong to do that, but she is only 14 years old (she’ll be 15 in a few months) and I want to make sure she’s not being bullied or the boys are not saying inappropriate things to her. And it’s not like I do it all the time either. Occasionally I log on to her Facebook account and quickly scroll through messages just to make sure all is well.
I happened to scroll through a conversation (Facbook messaging) between my daughter and “A”. “A” is convinced that we do not like her because her mom has been to rehab, and that is why we won’t let our daughter sleep over anymore.
“A’s” family life is not ideal, but I DON’T fault the girl for it. Her mother is an alcoholic (I’m not sure about drugs). She went to rehab for a couple of months. The mother doesn’t take them out (drive them anywhere), and my daughter has never complained about the girl’s mother doing anything wrong in front of her. In fact my daughter says that the mom goes out of her way to make my daughter feel welcome and at home there.
“A” shares her home with both parents (her dad works) and an older brother (in his early 20′s) who does nothing but play video games all day (he doesn’t work). There is another older brother (also in his early 20′s) show spends a lot of time at the house with his toddler son too.
I’m not overly keen with my daughter being around men in their early 20′s like that, but I trust my daughter enough to tell us if someone says or does anything inappropriate. She says she rarely sees them (the unemployed one rarely leaves his room).
I would never judge a family. It’s not my place to judge. No one’s life is perfect. We all have our little faults and quirks. I have no problem with my daughter being at ”A’s” house at all.
“A” thinks that we don’t like her because her mom is an alcoholic and has been in rehab, and that is why we won’t let our daughter sleep over anymore.
Yesterday my daughter came home from school asking if she could sleep over at “A’s” house. I told her that it might not be a good idea because we were expecting anywhere from 1-3 or 3-5 inches of snow. We didn’t want to risk our safety going over to pick her up and get her home. My husband even told her that if it doesn’t snow he has no problem with her going on a sleep over Saturday night (instead of Friday night).
We only got a dusting last night. The roads are fine.
My daughter never got a chance to tell ”A” that. ”A” is no longer talking to our daughter. And she thinks that we’re horrible parents (which we are not).
My question is… should I send “A” a message on Facebook and let her know that my daughter has not been on sleep overs because she’s either being grounded for bad grades or her attitude? And let her know that we didn’t think it was a good idea to sleep over last night because of the weather, and that we would have been OK with her staying over Saturday night if it was OK with her parents. Or do I just leave it alone and let the girl believe what she wants to believe, even if it means she’s no longer friends with my daughter?
I feel like I should intervene some how. We’ve repeatedly asked our daughter to tell “A” that she can’t do sleep overs because she’s grounded. She says she does but we don’t entirely believe her. She’s a teen too and not about to defend her parents. She thinks we’re horrible parents too because we won’t let her go on sleep overs and that we ground her for her attitude and/or grades.
What would you do in this situation? It bothers me that someone, even if it’s a teen, has the WRONG impression about us.
Parenting STINKS sometimes! When does it get “fun” again? Sigh…
Kimberly
It wouldn’t be right for you to message her friend. However, you should invite her over for a sleepover at your house. When she’s there, have a little talk with her. Let her know that you like her.
Kids appreciate honesty.
Oh gosh, I would be wondering the same thing as you. I would intervene based on my relationship with “A”, if she is a girl who knows you and has spoken with you as the parents of her friend then maybe let her know? OR approach your daughter first and tell her your concerns and see if you and her can’t approach “A” together? This is tough as I have no teen kids yet and I would feel the same as you right now & would probably talk to my daughter about it first then play it by ear from there to see what feels right to do.
I understand your concerns in this situation, if it were me I would talk to “A” maybe not on FB but either call or in person and explain the reasons your daughter isnt coming over as much. I would not let her know you read the message on FB because that might cause her not to post her feeling anymore to your daughter. You also need to remember she is a teen too they dont understand things the way we do yet. So in short talk to her and be honest and up front.
FYI- I see nothing wrong with you checking your daughters FB, I would fault you more if you didnt. She is only 14 she has plenty of time to have her privacy but right now its your job to watch out for her.
I would definitely send a message to this girl, call or stop by and let her know what’s really going on. Teen girls are so overly dramatic (I have a 14-year-old step daughter) and take everything the wrong way and get their feelings hurt over EVERYTHING so you telling “A” the problem would be better than depending on your daughter to. And I’d get a sleep over planned right away because they sound like great girls and great friends. : )
It’s extremely hard to be a parent to a teen. I have almost two, one will be 13 next month and I have a 15 year old son. If you feel really bad, call the mom and explain to her that it’s not them, it’s that your daughter is grounded for other reasons. And no way are you being the bad parent for snooping in your daughters FB account. She’s a teen – you have every right! I believe more parents should be like that. Kids are kids and they should not be dealing with any adult issues. Hope everything turns out well. Hugs to you!
I think that your daughter should tell “A” the reasons why she couldn’t stay. Let them try to work it out. If the friendship means enough to “A” then she will accept the truth.
This may be a blessing in disquise though. Maybe it is time for their friendship to be over. You said that you had concerns about your daughter being around the older brothers. It’s to late after the fact if they were to do something to her.
As far as Facebook. I have a 13 yr old daughter and I check hers at least 3 times a week. I check her cell phone anytime that I can without her knowing. I think it’s important to know what is going on in there lives because God knows that most of the time they aren’t going to tell us about it.
I would talk to this “A” person in person. Explain the situation. It is so much easier to get things straightened out in person than to send a note or go through your daughter. I wouldn’t feel guilty about anything you have done! Not at all. Teenagers are so hard. I was an absolute butthead when I was a teenager. Thank god those days are over for me and my parents! LOL!
I don’t think you’ve mentioned whether “A” can come visit your house. Maybe a sleepover at your house would give you a chance to show that you do like her, and also give the girls more chances to be together. I wouldn’t approach “A” without your daughter knowing now would I mention to her that you monitor Facebook. But you definitely have the right and responsibility to monitor all of your daughter’s online activities, including Facebook.
When will it get better? When she’s about 21 and on her own, or even better, when she has teenage children of her own. Our kids tell us frequently that now they know why we used the word “no” so often!
Hmmm choices choices…
I really think if I was in your shoes I would talk to the parents and let them know what is going on. By that I mean I would tell them that my daughters attitude etc has not been good and it is no one fault but her own, and we are trying to show her…
As for the facebook I would be doing the same thing.
I hope all works out for you.
send a message. just don’t mention her parents. Just say sorry it because your daughter messed up and you had bad weather. Then suggest a weekend that your daughter can sleep over next.
xoxoxo
That’s a tough one. First off, I wouldn’t message her on FB as that’s best left for the kids to do. It also shed’s light on the fact that you’ve been snooping around your daughter’s FB account (which I have no problem with btw). I work in law enforcement and help parents keep tabs on their kids all the time.
As for what to do, I’d try inviting “A” over to your house for a sleepover and dinner type night. Just be as nice as possible to her, without coming off as “crazy” nice and I think things will work themselves out.
Even teenagers have short attention spans, so one good night can possible off set a months worth of bad thoughts. Hang in there, I’m sure this will work itself out without needing your intervention.
Cheers!
Whoah! Think back..remember…remember when YOU were a 14/15 year old teenager. My friends and I used to get into spats every other second it seemed. At the time, it would feel like the world was ending, but in short time friendships would be mended and all would be well. Until the next tiff that is.
Don’t overtly get involved with your daughter’s friendships. She would be considered uncool forever! Instead call A’s mom. And just tell her that you really appreciate how much fun your daughter has over at their house. Thank her for the recent invitations and say tell her that you so wish your daughter had been being punished for unrelated issues and you hope she and A understand. Let her know that hopefully your daughter has learned the lessons you wanted her to during her grounding so should she receive invitations again, she can go. Of course, it’s good manners to offer reciprocal invitations and feel free to do so.
But my bottom line is….stay out of the out of your daughters tiffs. Offer her advice directly if you like about trying to talk to A, but don’t go to A yourself. If you feel you must reach out…do so only to A’s Mom.
IMPORTANT EDIT: “Thank her for the recent invitations and say tell her that you so wish your daughter had NOT been being punished for unrelated issues…”
Number 1, don’t feel bad about monitoring your daughter’s FB. With all 3 of ours, they could have MySpace and later FB only if we were on it. I didn’t bug them continuously, but they knew I’d be watching. It’s almost an essential in today’s world. As to your specific situation with “A,” I wouldn’t talk to the girl; I’d talk to her parents, especially the Mom. The feeling that you don’t want your daughter there because the Mom is an alcoholic who’s been in rehab may not have come from “A.” The Mom could have voiced it when her daughter was complaining that your daughter never got to come over anymore. I doubt your daughter or “A” is going to provide the correct story so I’d bypass them and go straight to the Mom. Tell her what you said, that your daughter’s absence is due to your DAUGHTER and nothing her family or child did and certainly not her background. In fact, I would support her rehab. It’s a difficult thing to do. Explain about how you feel about your child being away in bad weather. It’s all very reasonable. . . between Moms. The kids are gonna think you’re horrid, as they already do anyway. When does it get better? When they’re out of the house. . . and then maybe only a little.
I agree with the last post. Call A’s mom if you feel you need to intervene, but I would not contact A unless you have a really close relationship with her. Your daughter are definitely old enough to deal with friends “unfriending” her in school. They will probably be best friends next week. : )
I would do the same thing with monitoring fb. I would talk to her parents rather than talking to A teens have a hard time understanding, maybe consider inviting her over to your house.
Don’t get down on yourself. Have you ever thought that sometimes things happen for a reason. Reasons that maybe we do not understand but God does. Give it a little time and it will play itself out. In the meantime, do everything you can to encourage your daughter, she is a teen after-all. Hugs. : )
Daughter tells ‘A’ she can’t come over because she’s grounded. End of story.
Do you think being grounded all the time is effective in changing her behavior?
If she is grounded all the time, how is she supposed to have friends and a social life? Since she can never participate in activities outside the home, won’t people start realizing this and stop asking her to things?
What is it you think 20 year olds will do to your daughter? Do you think all 20 year old males are interested in sexually assaulting children?
I guess I can see both sides of the issue here-My mom wouldn’t hesitate to send a message and explain things, but at the same time, I can see how that can come off kind of weird.
Personally, I think you should invite “A” over to your house when your daughter isn’t grounded and while she’s over, just explain that you have no issues with her and that you’re just trying to be parents to your daughter.
Unfortunately, aside from that, there’s nothing you can do. “A” is the one that is taking things out of context and it’s her decision to not speak to your daughter, not your daughter’s or your’s.
All you can do is what you can do and if she still doesn’t accept it, then you just have to move on.
You are not wrong for looking at your fb. I’d invite “A” over to sleep at your house.