This information was sent to my father from my cousin’s in the United Kingdom. I do not know who wrote this, but it’s genius! If you happen to know the author please shoot me an e-mail so I can give proper credit. I would also love to thank this person for making me laugh hysterically this morning.
We have five cats, a dog and fish. Our youngest cat, Bella, has health issues (hyperthyroidism, asthma and allergies) and needs to take two pills twice a day. It is NOT easy at all. I have to think of creative ways to get her to take them. I try and wrap them in things (cheese, treats, liverwurst…) but she usually catches on to my act of deception and then won’t eat that product anymore.
I do have a pill “shooter” but getting her to sit still and open her mouth for me to use it is next to impossible.
If you have a cat and have ever had to get it to swallow a pill you’ll appreciate this humorous look at “How to Give a Cat a Pill”.
How to Give a Cat a Pill – author unknown
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
If you happen to have a dog too, here is how you give a dog a pill.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
*I was not compensated for this post (obviously). I posted this for the enjoyment of my site reader. I am not the original author but I would very much love to give the appropriate credit. If you know the author (or if you are the author) please contact me so I can give you credit. Thanks!