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Is it REALLY Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I don’t think so!

 

Broken Heart

I’m sure you are familiar with the quote “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. Do you believe in that? I sure don’t! When you love something and lose it sometimes the pain is just unbearable. Sometimes I feel it’s better NOT to have loved at all.

If you have been following my blog for a while you know that I have always dreamed of having a house. I grew up in a house and then when my husband and I got married we moved into a condo. I really wanted a house but we barely had a dime to our names and we didn’t really plan for the future (we eloped). It was all we could afford. But that was OK. It was just us. A one bedroom condo is fine for a couple.

When our daughter came along things were OK too. We converted the dining room into her bedroom and everything else was fine. It started to get a wee bit crowded, but it was manageable.

Two years later my son came along. It was OK at first. He slept in the crib in the bedroom and our daughter still had her own room. When our son was old enough to have a bed we tried to put a toddler bed in our daughter’s room but it wouldn’t fit. So we ended up giving our kids the bedroom and we moved into the living room and slept on a sofa bed.

Over the years we slept on a sofa bed, air mattresses, a daybed/trundle set up and then back to a sofa bed.

Air Mattress

Fast forward to today. My kids are still sharing the bedroom and my hubby and I still deal with the uncomfortable night’s sleep on a sofa bed in the living room. We have stuff on top of stuff on top of more stuff because we have no room for anything.

We knew we had to do something so we put the condo on the market. We had a lot of ups and downs with that, even going so far as changing agents. FINALLY, after a year on the market our condo had a buyer. To say we were elated was an understatement.

We were so excited to go house hunting. At least my dream of having a house was finally coming true! :-)!

After looking at a dozen or so houses we found our dream house. We were only hoping to have three bedrooms and maybe one and a half bathrooms. Anything else would have been a “bonus”.

The house we made an offer on has three HUGE bedrooms (two with walk in closets), 1.5 bathrooms, eat-in kitchen, formal dining room, three season room, finished basement (aka “man cave”), garage, nice landscaping, patio, stainless steal appliances, marble counter top, beautiful kitchen…. it was PERFECT!

I am in ♥ with the kitchen in our HOUSE.

I am in ♥ with the kitchen in our HOUSE.

Notice I said “was”?

You know those mortgage calculators you find on the Internet? DON’T BELIVE THEM! They give you false hope.

We went back and forth with a mortgage guy at a bank and a mortgage broker. The mortgage broker was giving us monthly payments close to $2,000/mo. Ideally we needed to be around $1,500/mo. THANKFULLY the mortgage buy from the bank was giving us decent rates. We finally got the rate of $1,649.00. It was about $150 more than we wanted to spend, but $107 of that was the PMI which would have come off in a few years, so that was fine.

The whole “game plan” was for our father to “gift” us the money for the down payment so we could put 5% down. We couldn’t afford 20%. Then we found out from the mortgage guy that my father couldn’t “gift” us the money – it had to come from OUR accounts – money we had in savings and checking. There is no way we had that much in any of the accounts, even combined. NO ONE told us that up front! All this time we figured my father would “gift” us the down payment and we’d be all set.

OK… a bit of a glitch in the “game plan”.

We looked into putting 3% down (this is a conventional loan – we wanted to steer clear of FHA loans). We have enough in all our accounts to cover the 3%, only to find out putting only 3% down only increases the PMI dramatically – to the point where we can’t afford the mortgage anymore.

I have spent the past few days calling people, returning phone calls, e-mailing people, researching – everything imaginable to figure this out. Surely there had to be something we could do. I came up with nothing. My husband came up with nothing too.

Money

Renting is not an option. Renting around here is MORE money than a mortgage. We also have 5 cats, a dog and fish. We also didn’t want o bounce the kids around to different schools and school districts. We felt bad enough making them change schools IF we moved to our dream house.

My husband had to call our agent and tell her we can’t sell. He also e-mailed our other agent and told her we can’t buy. That’s it. It’s all over.

That is where the quote comes in – It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

It’s not better – it’s worse!

I fell in love with the house we were going to buy. I also fell in love with the idea of FINALLY owning our own house. Madly, truly, deeply, head-over-heels in love with the house and the idea of having a house.

Our daughter had TEARS in her eyes the first time she saw it. I fell in love with it instantly too. Within minutes of walking into the front door it felt like home – our home. My husband felt the same way. We knew this was the house we wanted our family to live in.

We even got into a bidding war to get the house. We ended up getting it for more than we wanted to spend, but we just had to have it. We figured we’d iron out the details later. Plus we were given false hope that we could afford it.

I had that whole place decorated in my mind. I have an entire board on Pinterest dedicated to decorating ideas and décor that I wanted to get for our new house – Great ideas and cool stuff for our house.

Wish List

At first our kids were a bit worried about moving but after seeing our new house a few times they were very excited about it. They were planning on where to put their beds, what kind of furniture they wanted, what they wanted to hang on the walls and our daughter was already planning on having sleep overs and watching scary movies and eating popcorn in the “man cave” (finished basement).

Now I truly wish that we never, ever laid eyes on that house. I fell in love with it and as a result I am feeling a huge sense of grief and loss. I feel actual PAIN over the loss. My dream of having a house has been shattered. I don’t know where to go from here. It’s hard to turn your mind off of all the planning and plotting of having a house. I even had it set up where everyone would come to our place for Christmas dinner! I have a set of Christmas china (like the Spode Christmas Tree pattern) that I’ve had for almost 30 years and it’s never been used because we’ve never had a dining room or a place big enough to use with guests. It’s no fun breaking out the fine china just for us.

I don’t think I’ve cried this month since my mom passed away about ten years ago. I physically feel like I’ve been hit by a truck and dragged down the road. I actually feel aches and pains, and I don’t think it’s from the sofa bed.

bad dream

I wish I never laid eyes on that house. I wish we were never foolish enough to put our condo on the market in the first place. I wish we had planned better and saved our money BEFORE eloping so we could have bought a house and not a condo.

No one can truly understand just how much I want a house of my own. I have wanted my own house since I was a young girl. I want to decorate for the holidays – including my yard, host big parties and backyard barbecues, plant a veggie garden, have my own pumpkin patch, make snowmen for the front yard, watch my pets frolicking in the sun chasing butterflies… I had so many wonderful visions. And now they are shattered just like a piece of glass.

For the life of me I can never understand how people who are truly blessed to have a house let it get into such disrepair. We see houses that are falling apart and are totally “unloved”. I understand there are circumstances behind it (such as an illness or money issues) but for those able bodied people who are just to lazy to care for an appreciate their house – you don’t deserve it! Some people are not meant to be parents – and some people are not meant to be house owners either. I would gladly “adopt” a house and give it all the love and attention it deserves. If only that was possible.

I feel like we live in a “Roach Motel” (not literally – my place is spotless). Their motto for the roaches is that once they check in they can never check out. That is how we feel. We feel like we checked into the “Roach Motel” (our shoebox sized condo) and we’ll never be able to check out.

I need a GREAT BIG HUG. :-(

Roach Motel Cartoon

Kimberly

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About Kimberly

Kimberly Vetrano resides in the suburbs of New York City with her family, five cats, dog, a tank full of fish and snails. She is also a freelance writer and photographer.

Comments

  1. If you believe in Him…I believe he has another (better) plan for your family. :)

    Hope it all works out soon.

    Diana C

  2. I know you have been wanting a bigger home for quiet awhile now. I do hope that one day soon you can have that home to decorate and take care of. It is true some people dont maintain their homes or fix them up they just let them go. What a shame .

  3. Brandi Dawn says:

    :( Here’s a *great big virtual hug*! I’m so sorry that you went through all of that. Keep your head up and be hopeful for the future. I know that sounds like a generic thing to say but its true, gotta stay positive!

  4. Maria Iemma says:

    I agree with you totally. I have lost my husband to Cancer two and a half years ago and the pain is still so intense that I am not sure how I make it from day to day. I function – I work, take care of the kids etc. but when I am alone I just cry out of loss and loneliness.

  5. I have to agree with you. I thought by the title this was about losing a loved one, but I see it’s about a house, but very heartbreaking to you I know. I also think God has another plan for you and like we all know, to patience is needed here. He always answers our prayers but not always on our timeline! Prayers that it comes sooner rather than later.

  6. I’m so sorry that the house didn’t work out for you, Kimberly. I hope you will get your dream home one day soon. (((hugs))) Karen

  7. Jennifer A. says:

    Wow that really stinks. I feel so bad for you. They really do try to deceive you with those mortgage calculators. I’s really not fair.

  8. Remember a house is just a “thing” – what makes it a home is the love of the family who lives there. You have a loving family and though you may live in a small space, you are still blessed. To lose a person you love is the true pain in life. Things can be replaced – people cannot. Get out of your funk and bring joy to your family, not disappointment and sadness. When your children are grown, they’ll be thankful for the love and joy in your home, not the size of your house.

  9. I am so sorry this fell through for you I had such high hopes this was going to work out for you. Maybe you just need to look at more houses, we had to look at about 50-60 houses before finding the one we moved into and it needed a ton of work which we have been able to in parts since we moved in. Don’t give up yet.

  10. You certainly have my condolences. But as a long-time renter of houses (yes, houses, not apartments), I think you should consider renting, even it it seems more costly than paying a mortgage. For one thing, you’d have the room you need, so your money would be going toward quality of life, which you apparently do not have in your condo. And we have a dog and cats and fish, so I can tell you that it is possible. Try to consider it, at least.

  11. Argh . I wish it were as easy in the world to pay for a house monthly like you pay rent, but of course there are strings (interest, having a down payment, inspector fee, fee to fix things), but look on the “bright side”–maybe going through heartbreak was for a reason? Maybe it would have turned into a money pit a year down the road, what if your husband lost his job. Scrimp, save, set aside-repeat.

  12. Im so happy for you and your dream home! Thats great!! We went through a lot trying to get a home too, with PMI, etc. Thank you for sharing!

  13. Sherri Lewis says:

    Sending you a great big virtual hug…. that sucks. Maybe, this means that there is another house that is going to become available that fits your needs and your budget even better. I hope so!

  14. Katilyn Boyer says:

    *hugs* You’re very insightful and had it not been for this post I never would have envisioned that phrase that way! lol I do hope you find your dream home and I totally agree about how some people don’t appreciate what they have.

  15. Kim Henrichs says:

    HUGS to you and your family!! It is painful when you have your heart set on something just to see it be ripped out from under you. I hope that a BETTER house is in your future. One you will fill with lots of love and will be your new dream come true.