I am NOT a perfect parent. I’m far from that. I wouldn’t even say I was a great parent. I’m a good parent who tries very hard each and every day to do the very best that I can for my children. For the most part I think I’ve raised fairly decent children (attitudes aside of course).
Let me give you a little background on my son. My son was born 2+ months premature. His birthday is in September.
When my daughter (who is 2+ years older then my son) was in Kindergarten her teacher, who had 30+ years teaching experience, told us NOT to put our son into preschool, even if he was old enough. She said it would be best for him if we waited another year. Did we listen? No.
When our son was going to turn 4 we enrolled him into Pre-K. That year he did OK as far as colors, shapes and other things that children that age learn. His teacher’s only concern was his socialization. She felt he was going to have an issue with that when he was in Kindergarten.
Kindergarten was a nightmare. He had THE WORST teacher – and she was a Kindergarten teacher no less. After that year she was moved into the 3rd grade. Myself and other parents had it put in our children’s files that when they reached 3rd grade she was NOT to be their teacher.
In first grade thing were rough. Our son could not keep up with the other children academically. He had no friends and just having a hard time overall. His teacher (the greatest teacher ever! ♥) felt that he should be left back. When we told her what our daughter’s Kindergarten teacher said she agreed. We should had waited to put him in school.
His teacher wanted to leave him behind to repeat first grade and we agreed. We figured it was better to do it now while they are young so that the other kids didn’t tease him as much, rather than have it happen later on. Sadly the school disagreed and passed him on into second grade.
EVERY YEAR has been a struggle. EVERY YEAR while he was in Elementary school we asked to have him left back and the school refused. In order to keep him from getting too far behind we’ve had to get him extra help before school, after school and even during school. We’ve had him see the school psychologist, he’s been to a pediatric neurologist, I have the teacher’s e-mails and phone numbers on speed dial. I have been to more parent-teacher conferences then I care to remember.
Over the years we have done EVERYTHING humanly possible to help him. Teachers have even gone so far as to let him do extra credit or offer to give up their lunch to help him.
The problem with our son is that he hates school. He truly, genuinely, hates school. He hates every moment of every day that he’s there. Needless to say getting him to do homework and projects is a nightmare. We have spoke to so many people (professionals) in hopes of finding a way of getting through to him.
Our son is in 7th grade now. The first quarter of 6th grade he was 4 points shy of making the Honor Roll. The remaining quarters of 6th grade he barely passed. This year (7th grade) he was 6 points shy of making the Honor Roll. Now we’re in the second quarter and we doubt he’s going to pass any of his classes. He’s failing pretty much all of his subjects except gym, band and Home & Careers.
We’re checked with his teachers. He doesn’t appear to be having a problem with any of his classmates. Bullying is always a concern with us since our son is shy and tends to keep to himself. The teachers tell us he gets along with everyone. His teachers seem to feel the fact that he hates school has A LOT to do with it.
We’ve fight with him daily to do his homework, but he either doens’t do it or doesn’t give it much effort.
The straw that broke the camel’s back came two weeks ago. His Science teacher called my husband at work. She said she was concerned about him. The kids are studying a hard subject this quarter (Genetics). She gave the students a “cheat sheet” and told them they could write down whatever information they wanted to on the sheet and they were allowed to refer to their sheet when they took the test. Basically it was an easy 100. Our son didn’t write down one thing on the paper and got a 40 (out of 100) on his test. Another Words not only did he fail but he failed badly.
We were livid! We grounded him by taking everything away from him – his phone, iPod, Nintendo DS and his beloved computer. We told him the ONLY way he was going to get them back was to show us he’s applying himself at school and bring up his grades. We don’t expect him to make the Honor Roll but we do expect him to do his best and we know he’s not.
Most kids would straighten up and apply themselves, or at least make an effort. Not our son. He’s not making any effort.
Our son has TWO project due, one this week and one next week. He had a three-day weekend. We told him time and time again to work on his projects and he refused. Rather then do homework and his projects he rather sit on the floor in his room playing with his toys. He’s not much of a TV watcher, but he does like to watch the Weather Channel and local news.
No matter what we say to him, or how much we try and reason with him or give him a taste of reality, it just doesn’t get through to him. If anything he gets very nasty and has a serious attitude with us.
I have been struggling to help him with school since day one. I’m tired. I don’t have it in me to fight anymore. I just want to toss in the towel.
Like I said earlier, I’m not a perfect parent, but I do the best that I can do. So does it make me a “bad” parent if I don’t help him anymore when it comes to school? Am I a “bad” parent if I don’t remind him of his projects or nag him about getting his homework done? Am I “bad” if I let him do what he wants to do with his schoolwork, even if that means he fails and gets left behind, then we have to deal with the other kids teasing him about it?
Part of me wants him to be left behind. First of all he SHOULD be one grade behind of where he is now (remember we put him in school too early). I am also hoping if he was left behind he’d be so mortified that he’d finally get his act together and apply himself at school. He has to learn that everything has a consequence, and not doing his homework or studying for tests, cause him to fail and he’d have no one to blame for himself.
At the same time if he fails I feel like the school and teachers are going to think that we’re horrible parents for letting it happen. Plus I’d feel guilty about it.
Knowing that I have gone above and beyond the call of duty to help him succeed at school, would I be a “bad” parent if I just left him alone about school now and let him deal with the consequences? He’s 12 years old. He’s not a little kid anymore. He does however totally lack motivation and aspirations. I have never met a child that never wanted to be anything when he grew up. He aspires to do nothing. He wants to own a truck with a snow plow so he can plow driveways. That’s it! That is all he wants to do. Of course as a parent I tell him to dream bigger than that and aspire to OWN a landscaping company that gets hired to plow during the Winter and to own his own fleet of trucks. Nope, he doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to do anything.
We’ve had him evaluated. One doctor said he has Aspergers and anxiety. Others have told us he doesn’t. We’ve taken him to a psychologist who doesn’t know how to figure him out. He told us he’s incredibly bright.
Our son also thinks he’s invincible. He thinks he’ll do well at tests even if he doesn’t study just because a couple of times he did do well. He’s also under the impression that he CAN’T fail or be left behind. He said a teacher told the class that. I beg to differ.
What would YOU do? Would you continue to fight what seems like a hopeless battle and keep on him about school work, or do we back off and let him learn from his mistakes and deal with the consequences? If you have gone through a similar experience, what would you recommend?
Thank you in advance. I appreciate your feedback very much.
Kimberly
LisaSWelch says
If I were you I’d take him out of school, and home school him for 1 year. In order for him to get back in he’d have to take a placement test. That would place him in grade-appropriate classes.
We had a similar experience in that my daughter went to kindergarten in NJ (half day), then we moved to FL.
She was placed in 1st grade. Did terribly for the first 6 weeks. Apparently kids learn to read in kindergarten in FL.
The school and we mutually agreed that she should repeat K.
Another incident, after moving back to NJ, my boys were enrolled in a very “tough” high school. Threatened every day etc…
My husband and I agreed that I would home school them until we sold our home and moved to a better neighborhood. I schooled them for 6 months.
Upon moving, they were given a placement test and fortunately were placed right where they should have been.
I wish you luck with this. I’m sure your don is full with anxiety due to the struggles he is facing everyday.
It would be best for him to be placed where he is comfortable, eventually he will catch up. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be for him.
Hedy @ Penny for my Thoughts says
I have no advice (not a parent), but I just wanted to offer hugs.
Gerri Dumas Domicolo says
Your post has brought me to tears.I struggled with so many of the same questions with my daughter.She is now 19.I don’t think as a parent,you can ever really give up.You can tell yourself you are,but you won’t.You have to pick and choose,I think.Let him fail(hardest thing ever).He does need to understand there are consequences,but still keep prodding him to do what needs to be done.If he doesn’t HE fails,not you.You may have to accept the fact that he will plow driveways..if it leads him to have a happy life,then,at least he will be happy,right?Who knows,he still has a lot of growing up to do…he could be anything.
My daughter is “different” but,she is kind,compassionate,considerate of others and very respectful.She may not ever create world peace,but then again…maybe she will………
LexiLouWho! says
First off, I don’t think you’re a “bad” parent. I think you’ve done what you thought was best for your child at the time, and now, perhaps, what may be best for your child is not the easiest thing to do. It’s not something many parents would want to do… but it might be best. Sometimes children HAVE to fail. If they don’t fail, how will they learn the difference between failure and success? How will they learn there are consequences for their actions? Today, so many parents want to protect their children from being hurt, from disappointment, from failure. But that’s not life. Those children will grow up thinking the world is perfect – for them, at least – and that no matter what they do, how much they screw up, someone will be there to fix it for them.
What I don’t understand is
1) Why wouldn’t the elementary schools hold him back initially? Was it because he wasn’t failing? (I have a friend whose son has a speech problem but the school won’t offer help – her insurance doesn’t cover it without a school referral – unless it affects his grades. He’s doing fine in school, except that he gets bullied for it. But the school doesn’t see that as an issue since he is passing… Anyways. Side-tracked. Sorry.)
2) Have his grades been failing since (or just barely scraping by)? If his grades have been failing, there should be NO reason NOT to fail your son. If teachers are passing him JUST to pass him, they are NOT doing their jobs! And I would seriously DEMAND to see his work and his grades to ensure that he is being graded fairly and getting what he deserves. I know it sounds a little backwards, but if your son is doing “F” work, and teachers are giving him “D”s or “C”s just so he’ll pass… all they are doing in the long run is setting him up for failure later in life.
3) If the teachers aren’t listening… take it to the administration. If they don’t care… go to the school board. Someone will start listening if you scream loud enough about this. This is your child’s future they are F**KING with. I can guarantee they are more worried about their numbers and don’t want to fail kids because it makes them “look bad” as a school, but I would make them see what this is doing to your kid.
4) As far as your child goes though, I think you’ve done what you can as far as trying to help him – it’s time he sees what happens when you’re not there to bail him out. Let him truly fail for a while. It’s a lesson I think he might need to learn.
This is just all my opinion of course. I’m not a teacher, a psychologist, or a professional of any kind… just a parent (and I dont even feel like a good one at that most of the time! HA!).
Hope this helps… even just a little. *hugs*
april yedinak says
Whew! I feel for you. I really do. Firstly, I suspect your son does have something psychological going on, maybe ADD or something else. I really wouldn’t be able to say for sure, having never met him. So, I would start from there. I would find a decent professional to evaluate him. Ask local friends and parents for referrals. Then, if you do get some sort of diagnosis, I would push for my son to have an IEP at the public school. This is a plan that you and the school come up with regarding goals and strategies for his education. Also, they may provide additional services depending on what is going on. This does not mean he will be stuck in a ‘special ed’ class, because they really try to push for ‘mainstreaming’. Of course this will only be done if you have an actual diagnosis. Finally, I can tell you that I personally believe that everyone must learn personal responsibility and accountability. It is one thing to be supportive and provide assistance when your son asks, it is another to make your whole family crazy trying to get him to do his school work. I can tell you for a fact that when my kids did go to public school I had this policy and a couple times my kids did not do their work and they suffered the consequences of poor grades and detention. Yes, even my learning disabled/ autistic son was subject to this policy, because I felt that if he wasn’t responsible enough to do his own work, then he wasn’t responsible enough to promote to the next grade. I can not believe that the school has gone against your wishes regarding being held back, because I did hold back my son and daughter back. One year after a lot of upheaval and 3 moves during the school year, because I felt that there was no possible way they had learned what they needed to in order to move on. I never liked public school and eventually I just decided to home school (we are in our 3rd year) and it has been the best decision. Our lives are much less stressful. My children are actually learning and since I don’t load them up with tons of mindlessly boring busy work, they do their school work (mostly) without complaint. I guess, in short, my advice- don’t beat yourself up. You obviously have your son’s best interest in mind. Now he just needs to get to the same place.
mayihavesomemorepudding says
Get him the hell out. How many years have to be wasted to convince you it isn’t working? You can’t expect him to understand consequences by being failed through a school system he doesn’t care about.
Once you’ve got him at home, flip the finger to the pros and their diagnoses, stop shilling online, and invest your own time in your child’s rearing. Give him a meaningful reason to tap his potential.
Betty Baez says
I honestly think that there’s an underlying issue either a learning problem, or a problem with bullying, it just doesn’t make sense that he can go from being on the honor roll to almost not passing. Someone else said homeschooling for a year, and i think that’s a great idea along with some professional evaluation to see what’s been going on. And another thing don’t ever think your a bad parent the fact that you’re so worried about wether you’re making the right decision shows that you care enough about your son to do something. Good luck!
Cindy @MomMaven says
As a former public and private school teacher it infuriates me when students aren’t left back when they are obviously not ready to move forward in their education. We had issues with my now 16yr old son when he was in 4-8th grade. He hated school, and we have homeschooled since birth. I did a lot of research on my own and then met with specialists where together we diagnosed him with some minor processing disorders. We were able to do therapy at home and change how we did our homeschooling and after a year he was loving school again and working back up to grade level. In May he will graduate high school with the 10 other kids in his class!
As hard as it is, don’t give up. I would move him out of his current school since you are getting no satisfaction there. I know here we have charter schools that focus on “difficult” students. They have very small class sizes and kids get the help they need to overcome the learning hurdles that have become roadblock in their education. My friend’s sons are thriving in one of these schools. You are your child’s best advocate but you may need to look “outside the box” for your answers.
Shaundra says
As a former nanny who worked with such kids and psychologist in training (lol), my point of view also thinks there is something else going on. Like Cindy said above, an alternative school may be better- I know 2 people that had to do that and ended up getting GEDs, in the end- wishing they’d applied themselves more. They weren’t “dumb,” they just absolutely hated school as well. That type of environment isn’t a wake-up call in a shocking sense but he would either see that’s a place he doesn’t want to be and might want to give regular school another try or he may find their pace of learning is better for him. Also, charter schools when available are excellent with their programs and academic levels across the board. Would he apply himself in an activity outside of school (a sport, art class, etc)? Sometimes this also helps kids open up and learn to trust authority figures. Sometimes they’d rather listen & take these people seriously over their own parents. He is “at that age.” Also, when I nannied, the kids were required to complete their homework first after school before playing. As I told them, the faster you get it done (with me checking their work too), the more time you have to play. They learned it was just an obligation they had & there was no way around it. If the parents wanted them to sit in that same homework spot all night because they weren’t doing work, they did learn fast. One would see the other sibling doing their work and getting to play and they didn’t want to be left out of that. I think the first step though would be to find another psychologist that he is comfortable with and use that as a starting point. That can usually help determine the thought process behind his lack of motivation and then be able to take appropriate action.
Darlene 'Dee' Bishop @Frugal Fancy says
Well, being the expert on parenting that I am (HA!)… I do NOT think you’re a bad parent! You’re a PARENT. Kids don’t come with an owner’s manual. ;o) With that being said, is he bored? A very bright child who is not challenged and who isn’t really learning in school will act much the same way you describe. It sounds like he gets in there at first and things are new, then he “knows it all” and there’s nothing left to learn (so he thinks), or things become routine, and he gets bored. I’m sure you all have addressed this issue, but maybe by talking to him you can discover if this is one of the reasons he hates school so much. Just a thought… praying the Lord directs you before you pull your hair out! (Been there!)
Jackie says
You are definitely not a bad parent! You love your son and are concerned about what is best for him. I had brothers that hated school and were the same way. My mom arranged with the teacher for me to tutor him at home. I wish I knew what to say or had advice to offer.
tamra childers says
You probably wont like my advise. I’m only a prent of a 15mth old. I’d comprimise with him tell him if he does good and passes school til he’s 15/16 you’ll let him drop out and start working there are plenty of places he can go to such as apprenticships. Schooling i think is overated its life experience he needs. just an opion.
Robyn Wright of RobynsOnlineWorld.com says
Sounds like he is a square peg trying to be fit into a round hole honestly. For many kids traditional school settings just really do not work. It isn’t that they aren’t intelligent, but it is just not the way their brain is wired to learn. Have you explored any different schools in your area that offer different teaching styles? Look at what he excels in outside of school and what senses he uses for that activity – can you relate that to school for him?
mayihavesomemorepudding says
Robyn and Tamra are right. You will not be able to fix this problem until you recognize the failures of the education system.
Susan says
Kimberly,
You and your husband are wonderful parents. With every word I read in your posting, I could see how much you care. You are trying. You haven’t given up. He is your son, and you love him and want the best for him.
I don’t have children. I remember I hated school when I was growing up. But, I went, did well, and had to tell myself to “just do it” everyday.
I have no idea what you can do to help your son. I just want you to know that I care, and hope the best for him and your loving wonderful family.You are so blessed.
Good luck!
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
–Susan